Elite Preschools

The New York Times had a feature recently about rich New Yorkers trying to get their kids into elite preschools. Yes, you read correctly, elite preschools. As part of the selection process, the parents are required to write an essay characterizing their children. Usman Rabbani described his 18-month old twins as "a soft-hearted jock" and "a thinker and a mischievous lover." This bit of prose won his kids slots in his preschool of choice. Inspired by this, I have prepared an essay for my non-existant child, a prospective preschool student applying to the most elite of the elite toddler academies in all of the five buroughs:

Damien is a real firecracker. He just stopped drooling last month, we're all very excited about it. Though he still urinates and defecates in his pants, we feel that he is the sort of high caliber student that you are seeking. He cries when he sees ducks, and he likes to giggle and spit his food back at the person feeding him, particularly when it's spaghetti night. I think these qualities illustrate that he is sensitive, yet good-natured and assertive. His vocabulary is exemplary for his age. He knows 13 words, though admittedly he pronounces "spaghetti" as "doggy." He is excited about trying out for your varsity sports program. Impressively, he is able to walk for up to 10 feet before falling on his butt. We've had him evaluated by a top child psychologist, whom we paid a great deal of money. He assured us that our son is undoubtedly a prodigy, that rare child who shows genius potential. He doesn't just say that about every child that some over-eager parent brings into his office, I assure you. I think you would agree that Damien would make a fine addition to your academy.