OMG Jafari so luvs Chomsky!

Recently an interesting fact about the Iraqi Prime Minister Ibrahim Jafari was discovered:

As a television in the corner of the room conveys images of the carnage outside, Jafari admits to being partial to the works of Noam Chomsky. Why won't Chomsky come to Iraq? he asks.

I guess it makes sense, a man who is in his position as a side effect of an imperialist invasion could probably relate pretty well to Chomsky's writings. What other world figures have surprising idols?

Uzbek President Islam Karimov:

"I'm a real fangirl of Gandhi. I think his ideas about non-violence are dreamy. And by that I mean I dream that the dissidents in Uzbekistan whom I like to boil alive would follow in his example. It would be a lot easier to exterminate them if they didn't resist so much."

Chilean Ex-Dictator Augusto Pinochet:

"I really dig Michael J. Fox. I feel a bond with him because we both have suffered from health problems, in my case preventing me from being brought to trial for crimes against humanity. I mean, he didn't round up thousands into a soccer stadium and torture and kill them during a coup overthrowing the elected leader of a country like I did, but still, I relate to him, you know?"

British Prime Minister Tony Blair:

"I say dear chap, I've always had a fondness for Ed McMahon. His unwavering allegiance to Johnny Carson and his frequent utterances of "Yes!" to bolster whatever his master said without question was quite admirable. Care for a spot of tea?"

Abortion

The South Dakota abortion ban passed the state legislature. The bill would ban all abortions in the state, with an exception only in the case where the mother's life is at risk. There is no exception for the mother's health, or for cases of rape.

I think this bill in it's current form is so radical that it has little chance of supreme court approval, but I guess we are about to see if Judge Roberts really meant what he said about believing in stare decisis. If the situation were not so deeply upsetting, it would almost be funny how those who complained about "activist judges" are now trying to overturn a 33 year old precedent.

In case you're interested, I compiled a list of all the SD state senators, which way they voted, and their gender, available here in Microsoft Excel format. In summary, just cuz I'm interested in these things, 10 of the 13 women in the SD House, and 1 of the 3 women in the Senate voted for the bill. Does it seem wrong to anyone besides me that a legislature with only 15% women somehow has the right to pass laws telling women what they can and can't do with their bodies?

Iraqi Death Squads

In December, in my post, "Salvadoran Option" [link] I posted information about Donald Rumsfeld publicly contemplating the use of US special forces to train Iraqis as assassins and kidnappers to "take the offensive against the insurgents." The tactic was used in El Salvador in the 1980s which resulted in numerous civilian deaths, and the US-backed forces came to be known as "Death Squads."

Now, big surprise, the Iraqi interior ministry is looking into allegations that "Death Squads" are operating in Iraq [link]. There is no evidence that the Iraqi death squads are operating with support from the US, and I am not suggesting that such support necessarily exists, but if nothing else, these events should be enough to dissuade any reasonable person from enacting the "Salvadoran Option." Of course, Donald Rumsfeld is hardly a reasonable person.

The Cheney Project

Dick Cheney is a robot.

I know you've heard that one before. My friends, it is no longer conjecture, but documented fact. As a result of a great deal of journalist-esque investigation, I have developed contacts deep in the bowels of the NSA archives. These brave whistleblowers have leaked to me a top secret set of documents that detail the design and construction of Dick Cheney over the period of 1967-1969. The Cheney was to be the prototype for a production run of diplomatic androids that would be dispersed to US embassies across the globe to support US military campaigns in Southeast Asia. Due to the unpredictable nature of the Cheney prototype, plans for large-scale production were cancelled, but the prototype continues to operate as the Vice President.

The design team was led by German robot scientist, Karl Von Wittengisteineneuberhausen, infamous for his wartime experiments constructing talking Nazi children's dolls (programmed to say "I love teddy bears and Hitler!" and "I want a Slavic servant for my birthday!" among other chilling phrases). The initial test runs of the Cheney were not without their difficulties. During artificial intelligence tests in September 1968, the Cheney misidentified 3 lab technicians as Soviet nuclear warheads. Tragically, it removed the unwitting scientists' heads and attempted to disarm their decapitated bodies with pliers. Though the project was nearly scrapped as a result of this incident, the Cheney was completed in April of 1969 and was released into the Nixon administration under the command of Donald Rumsfeld.

The official explanation for the Cheney's lack of public exposure in recent years is its need for frequent "medical procedures." In fact, it has become necessary for the Cheney to undergo frequent system checks and repairs. Its nuclear batteries are fading, and have led in recent years to irritability (and inappropriate utterances directed at Democratic Senators.) The Cheney has been reprogrammed in recent years to repeat GOP talking points during interviews and appearances before veteran's organizations, though he often fails even at this simple task due to data corruption in his memory core.

Perhaps no subsystem is more error-prone than his IFF (Identify Friend/Foe) circuitry. This module underwent a massive overhaul in 1983, but despite this, numerous malfunctions have been recorded, increasing in number over the last 5 years. It seems clear that this rapidly deteriorating circuitry subsystem failed critically on Saturday, which led Cheney to identify 78-year-old Harry Whittington as a quail, or possibly as a 15-year-old Guantanamo detainee. Only his muddled robot mind knows for sure. Unconfirmed are suspicions that the Cheney's increasing difficulty distinguishing the threat level of targets may have contributed significantly to the invasion of Iraq. The Cheney continues to assert that WMD's were present in Iraq before the invasion; his error-prone IFF may be to blame.

While it represents an impressive feat of engineering, it is clear that the Cheney needs to be powered down or at least confined to its underground repair bunker, for the safety of the world and any potential hunting partners.

Friedrich Engels: Coastal Liberal Elitist

I'm not one to prank, but cartoonist Tom Tomorrow recently solicited his blog readers to help in a crusade against a witch-hunting Young Republican at UCLA (his original post and the call to action). The gist is that this astroturf organization, the Bruin Alumni Association, was offering cash prizes to rat out progressive instructors at UCLA, to prove that leftist professors had hijacked higher education. Tom thought it would be fun if we flooded their e-mail with faux denouncements of real or fake professors. Here is my contribution:

Hi, I'd like to report a leftist professor I had to take a class from at UCLA in the anthropology department, Professor Fred Engels. This guy is a classic hippie liberal Marxist. He was always spouting feminist garbage like, and I quote, "The modern individual family is founded upon the open or concealed domestic slavery of the wife." And don't get me started on the radical environmentalist junk he laid on us like this (and I quote again) "Let us not, however, flatter ourselves overmuch on account of our human victories over nature. For each such victory nature takes its revenge on us." He also said that the idea of personal property is a consequence of class society, as if it weren't a God-given right! And of course he tried to convince us that we are all just glorified monkeys. He said, "The variety of all living things and their adaptive features is now explainable with a few principles according to the theory of evolution." Man, I barely made it through that class. Put him on your list!

Sincerely,
John White

P.S. Where can I pick up the $100?

In retrospect my correct spelling and grammar probably gave me away.

MSN = Mostly Stupid Nonsense

So I'm at work the other day installing Micro$oft Windows (yeah I spelled it with a $, what are you going to do about it?) After installing, I needed to load up the web browser to download updates, you know the drill. Part of the experience for me when I do Windows installations is that it is the only time I ever see msn.com, which is of course the default homepage. I'm always quick to change it to something else. It is, without fail, the most inane web portal conceivable. One of their favorite things to do is to compile lists, such as "20 ways to shop for groceries," or "13 shoes for the shoe-conscious woman," or "25 ways to list things." Sometimes I think their target demographic is 40-something women who have suffered brain injuries. Anyway, at the top of the page was a list of the day's features. I list them here unaltered, in their original order (Google cached page):

Today on MSN:

-Teen saves woman who once saved him
-Crispy chicken nuggets
-World capitals quiz
-Congress cracks down on Medicaid program

Teen Saves Woman: This one is tabloidy, but "feel-good."

Crispy Chicken Nuggets: Ok, I like those, who doesn't?

World capitals quiz: A little "junior high," but knowledge-based, I respect that.

Last on the list: A story about Congress' denial of funds to seniors for nursing home care.

Wait a second, so you mean to tell me that ACTUAL news items are eligible for this list? Is there a rule they have to come after stories about fried food? I guess I should just be thankful that something relevant showed up on the page at all. I'm just not sure I'm comfortable with them putting the elderly after chicken nuggets, even if the latter are more tasty.

Enter the Guest Blogger

Hello all! As you have been warned, the guest blogger has arrived. My alias is Kid Charles¹, I'm a good friend of Jose's, back from our old school. I had been reading his blog lately, and I told him I really liked his writing and that his posts are insightful and poignant, but that there is a noticeable lack of humor. (I like to start off all my collaborations by insulting the other party.) I offered to come on as a joker, a Flavor Flav to his Chuck D. He foolishly accepted the offer. I won't be wearing any large timepieces around my neck or signing contracts with VH1, but hopefully I can induce a chuckle or two. Or maybe I'll just end up inciting flame wars in the comments section. Only time will tell...

---

^1. For those of you under 40, my name is a reference to the Steely Dan song Kid Charlemagne.

New Blogger

A friend of mine will soon be joining this blog with some more humorous content.

Israeli Double Standard

It seems totally reasonable to expect Hamas to abide by the US requirement that they recognize Israel's right to exist, and renounce violence, until you try to imagine holding Israel to the same standard.

The Palestinian's right to exist, which means essentially their right to self-governance, is a subject of much debate within Israel, and Sharon's two-state disengagement plan has met stiff opposition within even his own party, and among conservatives in the US. Most conservatives will not accept any Palestinian state whatsoever. Of course, Pat Robertson, who says that Sharon's stroke was God's punishment for moving to create a Palestinian state, hardly represents Israel, but there are many in Israel who are similarly opposed to such a plan.

On the second criteria, Israel will never renounce violence against the Palastinians. Of course, they would consider their violence to be different. I really don't understand the difference between a suicide bombing that kills innocent people, and opening fire on civilians in a refugee camp.