Just say no to corporations

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Man of Many Hats

We all saw Jack Abramoff headed to his audition for the live action version of Rocky and Bullwinkle not too long ago. Well, Jack found himself a new look. It was his way of saying, "I don't tie damsels onto railroad tracks while I stroke my mustache and laugh maniacally. I play stickball with the gang on my street, until mommy says it's time for dinner." Well, the wardrobe adjustment didn't work, he was sentenced today to almost 6 years in prison and ordered to pay $21 million in restitution. Looks like he'll have to accessorize for "jumpsuit orange" now.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

The Inevitable Consequences of Capitalism

Over the weekend, I saw the movie Weatherman and I wasn't sure if I was watching a movie, or a two hour commercial. I can not recall a single scene which did not have at least one corporate advertisement. The ads took various forms, ranging from fast food logos everpresent in the background (but still in focus), to characters drinking from cups from a particular hot dog restaurant*. In the worst instance, the advertisements were actually worked into the plot, when the main character was repeatedly pelted with name-brand fast food items. This running joke only minimally served the plot, and although it did provide some comic relief, it seemed to exist primarily for the sake of selling ad space.

This phenomenon is hardly limited to movies. On The Office, scenes are actually written into the script which serve no purpose other than to promote other shows on the network. Advertisements have so invaded television that they are often no longer just worked into the plot, but instead actually pop up on the bottom of the screen in the middle of the programs. Lately, they have begun to incorporate sound as well.

So, what is this all leading to? Will television programs eventually have a streaming ticker of corporate logos throughout all programs? Will films eventually pay for their entire budget before they are even released simply by working covert ads into the script?

There will likely be a backlash against such intrusions eventually, but I doubt that it will be strong enough to outweigh the official American religion - Free Market Capitalism - where nothing is worth doing unless it is profitable.



*I deliberately withheld the names of the corporations in order to not further help to promote their products.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Operation False Cognate

This past week the U.S. military, in joint operations with Iraqi forces, launched a massive air-based raid on Samarra, criticized by some as a large-scale photo opportunity. The attack was dubbed "Operation Swarmer." Unfortunately since the U.S. military now has no Arabic translators (all having been fired for being gay), and no one in command who has any knowledge of ethnic cuisine, it did not occur to them the possible confusion that this name might cause. The Iraqi forces misheard "Operation Swarmer" and believed they were taking part in "Operation Shawarma." As a result of this, the Iraqi troops showed up wearing grease-stained aprons and pushing vending carts. The results were tragic. The six insurgents that were discovered during the operation had no trouble dispatching the fast-food commandos, who were armed only with carving knives. The exhausted insurgents had no trouble finding lunch after the battle.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Guantanamo Bay

Last week, This American Life aired an excellent show about Guantanimo Bay. It's about an hour long, and if you have the time, I can't recommend it enough. You can listen to it in Real Audio here. The episode is called "Habeas Schmabeas."

Scalia's Recipe for Stress Relief

I promised myself I wouldn't work blue after the post about Dubai Ports World, but a U.S. Supreme Court justice is dragging me back down into the gutter. Via the Washington Post:
Scalia decried his own court's recent overturning of a state anti-sodomy law, joking that he personally believes "sexual orgies eliminate tension and ought to be encouraged," but said a panel of judges is not inherently qualified to determine the morality of such behavior.

Even I'm speechless after that one.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

The Deep Thoughts of W: Part One

Recently there has been a row in jolly old England about personal journal entries written by Prince Charles. In one he referred to senior Chinese diplomats at the Hong Kong handover ceremonies as "appalling old waxworks." This is a bit like a pot and a kettle having a conversation about the similarity of their respective coloring. Anyway, in a related development my top super double secret background contacts in the Bush administration have ferreted out some samples from G.W.'s personal journal, at great personal risk. They provide unprecedented insight into his mind. This is the first installment of an ongoing web exclusive.

May 1st, 2003:
Got to fly in a fighter jet today. Pilot told me not to touch anything. Just like old times. Gave a speech for the troops. Mission accomplished. Got to thank those banner makers. Makin' banners.

August 28, 2005 (1 day before Hurricane Katrina landfall):
Had a chat with Big Guy [Vice President Dick Cheney] today. Had some tough words for me. Had some things to say about my job purformance [sic]. Said I need to stay on message. Said I need to sell this Social Security thing. Told him it was hard work. Hard work being president. Sat me in a room with a video camera. Brownie was on TV. Said something about a turnado [sic]. Hard to listen. Got a lot on my mind. Social Security. Hard work.

October 3, 2005:
Nominated Sweetie Pie [White House Counsel Harriet Miers] for the Supreem [sic] Court today. Good woman. Thinks I'm smart. I like that. She's smart. She's nice too. Everybody's gonna like Sweetie Pie. Nothin' not to like. Smart. Nice.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Portus Interruptus

In the interests of lowering the high standard of writing that has been painstakingly built up by my blogging colleague, I bring you a Friday quickie. I walked past the newsstand today and noticed this headline on the cover of the Wisconsin State Journal:
Dubai Company Pulls Out
We now return to our previously stringent standards of online journalism.

Wal-Mart is Awesome

I know a lot of you probably boycott Wal-Mart because of the bad rap they have gotten about how they lock their workers inside their stores, their negative effect on small-town communities, their anti-union activities, their distribution of sweatshop-created goods despite a cynical "Made in the USA" advertising campaign, their sexist promotion policies, that annoying smiley face mascot, etc. I wanted to take a moment to point out all the good that the company has done. Have you ever thought of how many invasive foreign plant species could be flourishing in front of their stores if it wasn't for their massive sprawling concrete parking lots? Hmm? And where else can you buy a 30-pack of generic AA batteries for $0.12? Sure, they might only be good for two or three channel changes before they go dead, but what a deal! And think of how many government social workers would be out of a job if it wasn't for all the Wal-Mart employees who need government assistance due their pittance wages? God bless Wal-Mart!*


*Disclosure: The author of this post received financial compensation from Wal-Mart Stores, Inc.

Yahoo Hates Walmart Watch?

I subscribe to the mailing list for Walmart Watch, an anti-Walmart campaign. I received their messages in my inbox for more than six months. Then, a few months ago, they started delivering them to my bulk folder. I have designated them as "not spam" three times now. Why doesn't Yahoo recognize that I want to get these messages? I wonder if this is part of Walmart's strategy to improve their image, which includes paying some bloggers to write nice things about them on the internet.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

There Will Be No Investigation

The Republican-controlled House and Senate Intelligence Committees have rejected an investigation into the Bush administration's illegal, warrantless wiretapping [link], and hardly a word has been spoken about it. This administration has admitted to the illegal wiretapping, and we have only their word that the wiretaps are confined to cases where there is legitimate suspicion of terrorist activity. Their word is worth absolutely nothing, since until the wiretapping was revealed, they never publicly admitted it even existed.

This is clearly an impeachable offense. The Bush administration claims that they had the legal justification to do this based on general laws, despite the fact that there are specific laws prohibiting it. In cases where laws are in conflict with each other, legal precedent states that specific laws supersede general ones. There is specific law, the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act, which specifically makes these warrentless wiretaps illegal. This specificity gives it greater weight over the general powers given to the president to fight the war on terror.

My only hope is that the Democrats can use this as a campaign issue to try to take back the Congress this year, and therefore, order a formal investigation, if it is still possible at that time.

Because my hopes rest with the Democratic party, I can not be optimistic. There is much talk about how historically, the only time that a second term president had an approval rating as low as Bush does now was during the Nixon administration, and his party suffered a devastating defeat in the mid-term elections. I am confident that if there is a way for someone to upset historical precedent, and squander a nationwide desire for a change of leadership, the Democrats would find a way.

Friday, March 03, 2006

Elite Preschools

The New York Times had a feature recently about rich New Yorkers trying to get their kids into elite preschools. Yes, you read correctly, elite preschools. As part of the selection process, the parents are required to write an essay characterizing their children. Usman Rabbani described his 18-month old twins as "a soft-hearted jock" and "a thinker and a mischievous lover." This bit of prose won his kids slots in his preschool of choice. Inspired by this, I have prepared an essay for my non-existant child, a prospective preschool student applying to the most elite of the elite toddler academies in all of the five buroughs:

Damien is a real firecracker. He just stopped drooling last month, we're all very excited about it. Though he still urinates and defecates in his pants, we feel that he is the sort of high caliber student that you are seeking. He cries when he sees ducks, and he likes to giggle and spit his food back at the person feeding him, particularly when it's spaghetti night. I think these qualities illustrate that he is sensitive, yet good-natured and assertive. His vocabulary is exemplary for his age. He knows 13 words, though admittedly he pronounces "spaghetti" as "doggy." He is excited about trying out for your varsity sports program. Impressively, he is able to walk for up to 10 feet before falling on his butt. We've had him evaluated by a top child psychologist, whom we paid a great deal of money. He assured us that our son is undoubtedly a prodigy, that rare child who shows genius potential. He doesn't just say that about every child that some over-eager parent brings into his office, I assure you. I think you would agree that Damien would make a fine addition to your academy.

Bigotry In Crystal Lake Illinois

On April 5, 1999, Douglas Vitaioli walked into a Crystal Lake grocery store, and murdered Naoki Kamijima, the store's owner, simply because he was Asian [link]. He told police that he wanted to kill Asians out of a duty to God [link]. In memorial, so that the residents of Crystal Lake would not soon forget the tragic consequence of intolerance, the city renamed Edgewater Park, on the western side of the lake, as Naoki Kamijima Park [link]. The park is used by the Crystal Lake Rower's Club to store their boats, and for a starting point for rowing competitions [link].

Organizers of the 7th annual Gay Games, which are being held in Chicago in July, contacted the Crystal Lake Rower's Club about holding a rowing competition on their course on Crystal Lake, and club president Walt Gary said he was "thrilled to have the opportunity to bring such a big event to the club's home course."[link] Everything was going well, until the residents of the town found out about the proposal, and were outraged. Crystal Lake Park District Commissioner Dave Phelps said that he doesn't believe the Park District should be used as "a vehicle for promotion of their sexual agenda."[link] Another resident complained that homosexuality is "contrary and detrimental" to traditional family values, and another resident complained about the danger of HIV and AIDS [link]. The Crystal Lake Park District rejected the Gay Games' proposal to use the lake and Naoki Kamijima Park [link].